


Buffour vs Booty Shorts Leg: The Final Buff

by Anhnie, LeDerpu, Somewhat_Ficz, The_Lady_of_Rosewater



Series: Oneshots & Short Fics [3]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: BOOTYPANTS LEG, BUFF EZLO - Freeform, BUFF MINISH - Freeform, BUFFOUR - Freeform, Cursed, EVERYTHING IS BUFF, Gen, HAHAHA WHAT IS THIS, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Oneshot, WE GOT EVERYTHING CURSED, We Got It All, no beta we die like buff minish, update (1 day later): WE FORGOT HYRULE AGAIN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anhnie/pseuds/Anhnie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeDerpu/pseuds/LeDerpu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somewhat_Ficz/pseuds/Somewhat_Ficz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lady_of_Rosewater/pseuds/The_Lady_of_Rosewater
Summary: The epic battle between Buff and Booty. Two immensely powerful beings engage in battle, only to realize that they were not the world's only threats.Oh, and Hyrule was there too." OR SOMETHING
Series: Oneshots & Short Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015575
Comments: 34
Kudos: 18





	Buffour vs Booty Shorts Leg: The Final Buff

**Author's Note:**

> I RETURN ONCE AGAIN TO COMMIT CRACK AND CURSED CRIMES AND I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS THIS TIME. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHAPTER IN MY ONESHOT THING BUT IT WAS TOO LONG AND STUFF SO ITS NOW A STAND ALONE FIC.
> 
> THANK YOU TO THE LOVELY BEANS OF SPAM CHAT: DERPU, PURPLE, ANH & ROSE FOR MAKING THIS CURSED CRACKFIC WITH ME TODAY
> 
> AND DONT FORGET, TO GET THE BEST EXPERIENCE LISTEN TO: CRAB RAVE AND MY HEART WILL GO ON FLUTE MEME VERSION ON YOUTUBE AS YOU READ THE FIC
> 
> Crab rave: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE0wfjsybIQ  
> My heart will go on flute meme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G44xTr8D_bw

Hyrule- not wearing a shirt, of course (in this house we support seeking’s simping)- walks into Lon Lon Cafe. “Crackin’ open a cold one with the bois, gimme a milkshake.”

Legend, the employee who has experience in the worst thing ever known to the kingdom of Hyrule, that being customer service, looks dead inside as he meets Hyrule’s gaze. “What flavor.”

"Spider flavor" (Okay yeah this is beyond my level of crack)

Legend doesn’t even flinch, already numb to such insanity from years of retail work. “Cash or credit?”

“Cash” proceeds to deck out dozens of quarters and pennies.

Legend just sighs and looks at his drawn on wrist watch. “Yep just a normal day in retail” 

A midget sat in the far corner, watching the scene unfold as he took a sip of black coffee.  _ “Poor, poor Legend,” _ he thought.  _ “When will he ever get a break?”  _ _  
_

“Never.”  _ hylia teh bitch. _

Four busts in the door, somehow smol and yet ripped at the same time. “DID I HEAR SOMEONE CRACKING OPEN A COLD ONE”

Legend yeets a slab of beef at Four, slapping him in the face with a chunk of m e a t. “GO MAKE YOUR OWN MILKSHAKE.”

… _ they don't know how but in a flash of holy matrimony, beef latte was in four’s hand. _

The midget in the corner blinked rapidly. Beef Latte…? Wasn’t that illegal? And what of the other slab of beef? He stared at the scene before him, just failing to process everything. 

Four held the beef latte up to the heavens before dowing in one gulp and yeeting the glass back at Legend.

A bright light formed and when you think of this you think hey its heaven BUT NO, you were wrong. Its the depths of hell.

The midget nearly scr e e c h ed, pulling a hood over his face. “Dincursed light,” he sneered, peeking out from underneath as he witnessed the Beef Latte’s true power. No wonder it was presumably illegal.   


Suddenly, the light became colorful! An orb formed around Four, surrounding him in the magical powers of b e e f . Flashing colors blinded half the people in the cafe, and for whatever reason, sparkling sound effects could be heard. 

“WITNESS MY POWER  SCRUBS” 

As the light faded, before them stood a majestic, ripped being. One could see his rippling abs through his two tunics (somehow), and his powerful arms were so big he couldn’t even rest them by his sides. He stared Legend down, eyes glimmering maliciously in the cafe lights. 

(Somewhere in the distance in minish village, a ripped mage dude with a killer beard perks up. “...I feel proud for some reason, almost as though a twink has left behind his weakness.”)

QUE INTENSE HELL NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND FROM SCREECHING RIPPED MINISH, THEY FEEL THE POWER AIGHT

A mysterious wind blown through the window as it lift Legend’s tunic marinlyn monroe’s style. Under a his tunic is a pink booty shorts with “fat booty” written in glitterUwU

_ “Bitch use some pants for goddess sakes.” hylia aint done yet _

The midget (who apparently was Shadow) stared, eyes wide as saucers. Those booty shorts have forever scarred him - even moreso than the light from the Beef Latte.

_ “Me too midget” hylia _

Shadow would’ve glanced around for where Hylia was, had he not been too focused on the horribly traumatic sight before him. Instead, he just nodded.

_...in the distance gray ham teleported to leg. “HOLY- ...i was just here to see my skychild, but i think ill come back later-” Gray ham leaves, he scarred forever _

Four scoffed at Legend’s booty shorts. “Weakling. You do not match my cursed strength. Put on some pants and fight like a real man,” he sneered, flexing his giant biceps in a threatening manner as the light from the shattered door framed his muscular form.

“ _ Fool, you think i cant match that.” scoffed like a bastard he is “you make me laugh” _

Shadow screms and throws a pair of shorts at Legend, not realizing that he’d already ascended above the need for mortal concepts such as pants.

Four effortlessly chucked the empty latte cup back through the door to Hylia knows where, furrowing his brows down at Legend. “We can’t fight in here, however. We’ll destroy the place. How about we settle this one-on-one at the Final Destination?”

_ “Dont worry you cursed creations i got u” hylia snaps a floating island into existence as an arena. _

“Omega stage, no items” Four declared as his muscles glitters through the sunlights

Legend nodded with a face set in stone, stepping over the counter as he deflected the pair of shorts Shadow sent his way. The text on the back of his booty shorts glittered like the surface of Lake Hylia during the hours of twilight, and he and Four shook hands before heading to the stage. The sun shone down on the battlefield, glistening off of Four’s back as he flexed, giving off an immensely threatening aura. Had Legend not been wearing his trusty booty shorts, a shiver would’ve crawled down his spine. Instead, he turned his back to Four, standing there a moment before popping his booty and letting the glitter sh i n e. Four gaped at the sight - this would be one of his toughest opponents yet! He huffed, arching his back and flicking his golden locks as he flexed even harder. His muscles were framed by the dimming light like mountains during a sunset, causing Legend to stare in awe. How was he to respond!? After a moment of intense thinking, he glared and whipped out sunglasses with force enough to make them fly open, slipping them over the bridge of his nose before flicking his fluffy bangs. He began strutting toward Four like a model on the runway, ensuring his hips swayed like Shakira’s. Four just barely managed to resist shrinking back, sweat trickling down his forehead as Legend neared. 

(Back at the gas station) “2001, 2002, 2003, 2004--” hyrule counted, not noticing that legend had completely disappeared leaving him alone counting his pennies.

‘What is taking Legend so long?’ Hyrule thought and stopped counting his pennies mid way. “Hmmm maybe i should order another glass of milk…’ Suddenly Hyrule shooks his head ‘No! I’m a big boy now! I should order something more adult-like!’ Hyrule aproached the waitress and said “Excuse me miss, can i have a glass of orange juice?”.

The waitress glanced at the menu, which just had a picture of Warriors dabbing on it. “Sorry, all we have is beef latte.”

Hyrule laser-eyed at her. “ **GIB** plz.”

“I’m sorry dear but we only have beef latte.”

Out of nowhere popped up a normal Four (not buff or anything which is pretty disappointed)  _ yeets All the beef latte out of the shop _ . The latte hits the ground and now we’re back to the most epic battle.

_ “How am I to combat this?” _ Four thought, furrowing his brows and clenching his magnificent fists.  _ “Those hips of Legend’s… they truly don’t lie…! How about I retort with another truth!?” _

Four rose his fists into the air, splaying his hands and revealing the Four Sword (whose size was now akin to a dagger). His eyes glinted, changing color ever so slightly as he burst into yet another bright light, this time crying out in four different tones. Behold, before Legend stood four Fours, each one as ripped as the last. Legend nearly cried out in shock, fumbling with the sunglasses that toppled off his nose. This was going to be difficult to overcome...

The buff colors posed while Power Range opening theme’s playing in the background

Legend crinkled his nose. What posers… He shifted his feet, stomping assertively and twisting his foot, flicking his bangs once again as he whipped his hands in front of him with a mischievous smirk.  “I have the power of Hylia and anime on my side!”  he cried, causing the four Buffours to reel back in shock.  Buffred began sobbing- even his rippedness wasn’t enough to combat Legend’s weebness.  Buffblue scowled, clenching his fists. There were four of them, and one of Legend - so why was this so difficult!?  Buffgreen cringed, the beginning of a caffeine headache starting, where is  ripped Ezlo with the coffee he promised???  Buffvio merely glared, searching for any sign of fear within their enemy. Behold, Legend’s left leg was trembling ever so slightly.

“Buffour my son, i sense your cursedness distress. I will yoda my way wif the beef latte” ezlo YEETS the beef latte over to buffour.

Before any of the Buffours can grab it, Legend smacks it from the air.

The four buffs laser-eyed at Legend. “ **This means** **_death_ ** .”

“No drinking dirty beef latte that was picked up from the ground.” Legend huffed. Even if he wanted to kill those abominations. Buffour is biologically Four’s cousin so if he let them drink dirty beef latte no doubt he would get an earful later from Four. I-it’s not because he cares about Four or a-anything BAKAA.

Hyrule popped out of nowhere and yoted a handful of change at Legend. “Ya softie.” He then dabbed and disappeared into the void.

Legend caught the change, huffing as he stuffed it into his pouch. “I’m no softie…” he muttered, though Hyrule had already disappeared. He took in a deep breath, turning back to face the Buffours and assuming a battle stance. “Come at me with all you’ve got, you caffeine addicts,” he sneered, grinning maliciously as his tunic fluttered in the wind.

Buffour sprayed holy hell water onto leg. It erased half of his drawn on watch. “Dang we missed”

Legend glared at them. “YOU ERASED MY WATCH, YOU DANG COFFEE ADDICTS YOU WILL PAY”  _ legend goes super saiyan. _

Buffvio did a triple gasp, reeling back. “No…” he breathed. “We’ve broken the seal on him…!”

(In the sacred realm) “haha, idiots. This entertainment is too good.” eats popcorn. Looks at the other goddesses. “Hey come check this out, this is hilarious.”    


Din, Nayru and Farore joined Hylia in watching the battle unfold when Demise broke their door.

“BEEP BEEP YOU SAD FUCKS” Demise shouted as he barged through the door.

Hylia looks back with a look of utter pissed. “You break it you pay for it.” she glares. “Anyway shut up and get over here, cursed entertainment is happening.”

“We will all perish! Unless  THE BUFF MINISH JOIN IN ” 

Buffgreen nodded briskly, whistling shrilly to summon his ripped Minish kin.

A portal opens and comes an army of Buff Minish. Avenger’s endgame style they charged through to the battle’s field with speed with speed that can only be compared with giant rats running at Sonic’s speed. All of them armed with various objects that can be used as weapons if you can stab it hard enough.

Legend stared in horror at the chaos unfolding before him. The Buff Minish stampeding toward him sealed his fate, time slowing down as each Minish stormed toward him. The four Buffours, framed by the last slivers of sunlight, each grinned triumphantly. They thought they had won. Tears pricked the corners of the veteran’s eyes - all hope seemed to have been lost… Unless… He shot a glance down at his wrist - the one that used to have an artistic portrayal of a watch. His gaze flitted from his wrist to the horde before him. He had just enough time to make a last resort move right at the Buffours. There was no guarantee it would work, but he had to try… He shot his hand toward the sky, hand splayed as his wrist shone with the light of a thousand suns, effectively setting the Final Destination ablaze.

“AIGHT THATS UHH- A LOT OF BUFF MINISH, HYLIA TAKE IT DOWN” the three goddesses said.

Hylia nodded and made it flood and rain...buffminish. It was flooding buff minish…

“AIGHT DEMISE ITS TIME. IT WAS GLORIOUS BUT IT MUST END SO TIME TO SEND RESPECTS.” hylia screams at demise

Demise fumbled with his flute. PLAYING MY HEART WILL GO ON BUT FAILING HORRIBLY as hylia sang the lyrics with much failure like demise.

_ *que broken flute noises of my heart will go on as the world gets flooded and rained on by buff minish* _

_ (mood music, play on loop as long as necessary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G44xTr8D_bw) _

The three goddesses opened and closes their mouths to speak, in utter disappointment of the 2 smaller gods playing my heart will go on as the world floods.

As the world’s slowly ending, in the background is the melody of “My heart will go on” sungs by Hylia herself while Demise is playing the most awful recorder i have ever heard in my entire life GOSH SOMEBODY HELP-

And so it seemed lost for our strongly majestic and cursed heroes... when suddenly, out of nowhere over the horizon came the most glorious sight the Bufffours and Legend had ever seen! It was a ship pirated by Wind! He was a sight to behold in his clearly not stolen boat.

“Get in if you idiots don’t want to drown in this weird ocean,” he spat, the light of the setting sun shimmering and framing his form. And so, with the clearly not shoehorned in deus ex machina that was Wind’s arrival, the heroes rode off into the sunset on the weird buff minish ocean.

Extra: 

In a gas station near the battle’s field sat a shirtless babey boi who is completely clueless as water rapidly surrounds the gas station.

“OH FUC- HYLIA SAVE THE GAS STATION” nayru yelled

“D5er6ftvgbyhinuomk,- OKAY WAIT” hylia fumbled. Raising the plot of land the gas station was in to the air so that it was safe”

As the buff minish rain continues, Hyrule up up and beyond in the sky looks down on the chaotic scene before him, quietly he said “Man, the weather sure is weird today...i wonder when Legend gonna come back….AGG MY CHANGES HYLIA DAMN IT” screamed as his changes fell off the edge. rip

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes from the authors!
> 
> Nicky (me): hehe hope you enjoyed this cursed journey. i do pray for you poor soul though...
> 
> Derpu: Thanks for reading. And no, you don't need bleach - you just need to get used to being a s c e n d e d
> 
> Anh: ...on the behalf of buffour, you have my regard while reading this......and you can blame booty shorts leg on meXD
> 
> Rose: I'm not sorry for this and I was running on 5 hours of sleep
> 
> Purple: *listens to crab rave at 1.5xspeed and caramelldansen at 1.25x speed at the same time on loop*
> 
> all of us the authors: jojo if you see this we are sorry XD


End file.
